Motherhood has not been easy for me by any stretch of the imagination. I think no one can truly be prepared for the physical and mental demands that a newborn puts on you. Yes these are both typical things to say, but 4 months ago I didn't think that I would be saying any of this. I knew the basics of motherhood: diapers, feeding, burping, holding, crying... What I didn't know about was hormones, sleep depreivation, nursing every hour, witching hours, cluster feedings, 24/7. This became too much for me. I have stopped nursing. I had fought my supply long enough, I just couldn't do it any more. This was probably the hardest decision I had to make and with so much tears and heartache over it. After seeing my OB last week for post partum depression he suggested that it would probably be to my benefit. It hasn't been as easy to switch to formula as I thought it would be. I thought it would bring more schedule to her and me but it didn't. After everyone was crying hysteriacally on Sunday, I think that we may have figured out what she wants. She already knows what she wants and she won't stop crying until you give it to her. When she is full she cries, when she wants her binki she cries.
I must say though, Katelynn has been quite the amazing trooper through all the mistakes that I have made. I can switch bottles and formula on her and she doesn't even skip a beat. I am switching to different bottles right now just because the ones I have leak and the ounce markings are going to wear off which both are a very common problem and I don't like to have six pieces to a bottle.
Today though was a good day even though I thought that it was going to be bad because Ben went camping and won't be back until tomorrow. She didn't have too many fits and she was totally an angel except when it got to her crazy time from 5-7 every night.
As for me and my PPD that is getting better. Once you admit to yourself and others that you have it, the world opens up that everyone has it or had it. I am taking some meds that I think are helping. I do think that it may have to do with Ben being home and I can't seem to find my groove. He may think that I am crazy for saying that but it is true. He has been awesome through everything and has been amazing, but him being home so much isn't the norm and so I want the norm to come.
You know the saying where you make alot of mistake with your first kid and then the second is much better, or at least you have a better idea of what to expect. I do think that is true. There are already a few things I would do differently next time, like DON'T STRESS so much. My kid isn't dying so everything is okay. I have to relax more and know that she is doing just fine.
I hope that everyone has a great weekend. Thanks Sarah for letting me hang out with you today. Talk to you all later.
Anna
P.S. If you check out your Ensign for August there is an article about PPD and a character in it is Anna, Sarah pointed that out to me as I had only taken the plastic off of our issue.
6 comments:
oh Anna, I too had post partumn, and I know how hard it is..YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB!! Nursing is emotionally charged because it looks so natural for some women, I used to look at other moms and feel so depressed. A thought I had during a dark time was that God thought I could handle this or he would not have sent her to me. Also I DO NOT BELIEVE in collic, you might want to ask your doctor about Acid Reflux, both of my kiddos have had it and learning about it made me a believer that most babies have it and are suffering because "the have colic" just a thought you are her mom and YOU DO KNOW BEST! sorry for such a long post but I just remember feeling like you described.
Anna, I echo Stacy's comment. You ARE doing a great job! I had PPD with both my girls and was unsuccessful nursing them too. It ultimately WAS to our benefit that I stopped nursing because we were able to bond. One thing that my father-in-law told me that really helped was that the Lord knows what's going on and that as long as I was doing the best I could He would make up the difference! I'm quite sure you are doing your very best, so no worries!
I also echo Stacy in not believing in colic. My kids all had acid reflux too, and once they were given the right medicine, they were really happy babies! Might be worth looking into...
Keep up the good work and remember that "this too shall pass."
I'm so sorry that things have been so hard for you. Motherhood is definitely the hardest and most demanding thing I have done, but also the best thing too. It is an emotional roller coaster every day. Please don't hesitate to call me whenever you need some company or someone to talk to.
Being a first time mom is really hard. I am glad that you are getting help. When I had Abby I was sure she hated me and I wanted to go back to work because I figured that would be easier that taking care of her all day.
You are doing better that you give yourself credit for. I can tell from your post that you have already learned things that it took me a lot longer to figure out.
Sending love and good baby energy your way,
Dalila
Anna~ Please don't think that you are making mistakes...I remember telling John that I am an awful Mother because of all the mistakes I was making. He told me this, "You are not making mistakes. They are learning experiences." So remember that. EVERYONE has learning experiences. Even the 2nd and 3rd one you will have them. They will just be different.
You are doing GREAT! I hope Katelyn's Ped tells you that too...I remember Hannah's telling me that I was going a good job and it always made me feel better.
Hugs to you!
Well, well, well, looks like big sis finds out a lot about Anna by reading her blog. I am glad I suggested you read that article in the Ensign then....glad that I was moved to show it to you :)I understand the whole husband being home thing, it's nice for them to be home, but things don't get done as efficiently. Better get those bugs worked out before retirement :) I agree, motherhood is hard, and you don't know nothing until you become a parent yourself. We do have our good days, but they haven't come without the hard ones. It was hard for me to stop breastfeeding Max and Jesse (believe it or not)there were a lot of tears too. But it was the best for all of us, so kudos to you for making it as long as you did. Katelynn is soo cute, you are doing good. It was fun hanging out at the beach too. I love you Anna.
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