HI

Motherhood has not been easy for me by any stretch of the imagination. I think no one can truly be prepared for the physical and mental demands that a newborn puts on you. Yes these are both typical things to say, but 4 months ago I didn't think that I would be saying any of this. I knew the basics of motherhood: diapers, feeding, burping, holding, crying... What I didn't know about was hormones, sleep depreivation, nursing every hour, witching hours, cluster feedings, 24/7. This became too much for me. I have stopped nursing. I had fought my supply long enough, I just couldn't do it any more. This was probably the hardest decision I had to make and with so much tears and heartache over it. After seeing my OB last week for post partum depression he suggested that it would probably be to my benefit. It hasn't been as easy to switch to formula as I thought it would be. I thought it would bring more schedule to her and me but it didn't. After everyone was crying hysteriacally on Sunday, I think that we may have figured out what she wants. She already knows what she wants and she won't stop crying until you give it to her. When she is full she cries, when she wants her binki she cries.
I must say though, Katelynn has been quite the amazing trooper through all the mistakes that I have made. I can switch bottles and formula on her and she doesn't even skip a beat. I am switching to different bottles right now just because the ones I have leak and the ounce markings are going to wear off which both are a very common problem and I don't like to have six pieces to a bottle.
Today though was a good day even though I thought that it was going to be bad because Ben went camping and won't be back until tomorrow. She didn't have too many fits and she was totally an angel except when it got to her crazy time from 5-7 every night.
As for me and my PPD that is getting better. Once you admit to yourself and others that you have it, the world opens up that everyone has it or had it. I am taking some meds that I think are helping. I do think that it may have to do with Ben being home and I can't seem to find my groove. He may think that I am crazy for saying that but it is true. He has been awesome through everything and has been amazing, but him being home so much isn't the norm and so I want the norm to come.
You know the saying where you make alot of mistake with your first kid and then the second is much better, or at least you have a better idea of what to expect. I do think that is true. There are already a few things I would do differently next time, like DON'T STRESS so much. My kid isn't dying so everything is okay. I have to relax more and know that she is doing just fine.
I hope that everyone has a great weekend. Thanks Sarah for letting me hang out with you today. Talk to you all later.

Anna

P.S. If you check out your Ensign for August there is an article about PPD and a character in it is Anna, Sarah pointed that out to me as I had only taken the plastic off of our issue.

My Mother

Today is my Mom's Birthday and I still don't know what to get her. It has been the most trying month and a half for her and everyday I worry and wonder how she is doing. Hoping that she has smiled today. I love her so much and I wish that everything was back to normal for her. She is truly wonderful. She cares so much for her daughters and grand kids. She hasn't been able to do much outside of following my dad around from hospital to hospital to hospital but she still manages to think about what others need (or want in this case). She went out and got Max and Jesse Big wheel tricycles so they could ride them in their new back yard.
She didn't call me immediately that night when all of this started because she knew I was in a fragile state so she didn't want to stress me out even more over night and so I found out the next morning from Sarah. I asked my mom later how she was doing and asked why she wasn't hysterical and crying she just said that she would let us do the crying for her (me and my sisters) and we have.
I consider my mom a rock when it comes to emotions. I can probably count the number of times I have seen my mother cry she doesn't like to show her emotions much or be the center of attention. I asked my mom to give the opening prayer for Katelynn's blessing and she gave the sweetest prayer and she had tears. It is still hard for me to think about that without crying since she does have so much on her plate.
I truly hope that she knows how much Ben, Katelynn, and I love her. She is my mom and I want to be like her when I grow up. I want her to be happy. I want her to read her novels and do her genealogy. I want her to know how much she is thought of and cared for.

I love you mom. Happy Birthday.

Blessing Day

We had Katelynn's blessing on July 4th. We also had Tara's Baptism, a BBQ and a Big Bang. All of Ben's family was in town and so it was wonderful to have all the family around for these special occasions. We had the blessing with just our immediate family and enjoyed that special time with them. A few days before the blessing I dressed up Katelynn in her dress so that I could get a few pictures that I wanted with out the hustle and bustle of everything that day. Ben joined in on the fun too.




Here we are on the 4th

The BBQ was at Aunt Beth and Uncle Kevin's and the Big Bang was at our house. Uncle Caleb got some fireworks for Ben that I wasn't so thrilled about but Ben, Uncle Micah and Uncle Mike were VERY excited about them.

2 month pics

2 months

Katelynn is now two months old and just getting bigger and bigger. I worried allot. I mean ALLOT about nursing and if she was getting enough. I am getting more and more confident that she is. I am always carrying around a bottle just in case though. Every once and a while she will actually eat it all (2 oz) she usually just nibbles on it, not even an oz most of the time. She poops and pees and farts, so she must be doing okay. It is the NICU nurse in me that wants to see numbers and equations to really make sure she is getting enough.
She is wearing 3-6 month clothes, and just started size 2 diapers. We have her 2 month appt on Tuesday where we will see how much she weighs. Her bedtime is 8pm and she knows it. We have our routine, eat, bath or face wash, change diaper, get in pj's, read a book, say prayers, and goodnight kisses. She will sleep until one and eat, and eat at four and we wake up for the day at about 7:30.
I am still getting used to the fact that she likes to be awake for an hour to an hour and a half and then sleep for about the same. Just yesterday when I laid her on her play mat she rolled up on her side. I haven't seen her do it but I know I put her on her back.
She loves to be talked too and sung too. I only know a few nursery songs so I need to find a cd or something that can teach us both some more. I was wanting to ask Ammy about that when she was here since she is the nursery rhyme queen in my eyes, but I think that she only knows them from memory.
She is getting better and better everyday at smiling and laughing and cooing. She loves to swat at her hanging toys she can really get those going. She hates tummy time, I can sing the alphabet and then she is ready to get up.
We had her blessing on the fourth and I will share that story and pictures later but as for now it is time for bed. I will talk to you later.
Anna